What do Running, Belly Dancing, Pole Vaulting and Penile Extensions have in common?
An afternoon in the Outer Banks of North Carolina. So I'm sitting there reading my latest literary addiction, Born to Run, and a gentleman asks me so 'Do you run?' I answer him and he asks me my pace. I didn't lie and then he did. He said he'd read my book years and years ago. It was published in May of 2009. He then said he used to do a six-and-a-half-minute mile and was a champion pole vaulter in high school. I don't know why he was even talking to me. Here I am watching my three children in the rough surf, in my black tank 'mommy' bathing suit - not showing cleavage and I was clean shaven. Then I realized he was loaded.
He's also a former airline pilot, currently an air traffic controller and a seasoned arts supporter. Now I'm having fun and I'm not loaded. I'm also not Christie Brinkley at the hotel bar with Chevy Chase during Vacation. But I couldh've been. We don't end up eye-balled by other hotel patrons naked in the swimming pool (remember that part?) because I then notice his gorgeous former-professional-belly-dancer GIRLFRIEND is talking to my precious 6-year-old daughter. Just then, my girl runs to me arms extended, lip quivering whispering 'I didn't mean to, Mommy, I didn't mean to.' Turns out she ripped a hermit crab from it's shell and Bollywood herself was giving my daughter a biology lesson. This lady, who shall remain nameless because she's probably famous, was charming and engaging and a child at heart. Aside from the daiquiri-induced swollen tongue and unstable gait I believed every word she said. She had a carriage about her that only former dancers of any kind could have. She's my new friend and now I know for sure because I was offered a nip of rum from her posse sitting just a few yards away. I refused, not because I am faint of heart but because I did have six legs besides my own I was responsible for and it was only 1:00 in the afternoon. That's when my children got their anatomy lesson.
One of her homeys (60'ish) stood up and everything unfurled. This gentleman was wearing a loose fitting speedo that left nothing to the imagination. It was no hermit crab. Jiggling and wagging he heads to the shore to refresh, goes in waist-deep and there is NO SHRINKAGE. He's proud of his package and - if it's real - he should be. My 11-year son who's been skin-boarding for hours and wouldn't turn around even if I yelled 'Free Mountain Dew' stopped in his tracks. Whoa, Nelly. I've met Chevy Chase twice in one day - Clark and now Fletch - (remember the ballet scene). I wish I had a daiquiri to celebrate. Oh, and I did go running while on vacation. You know, I was Born to Run.