Wednesday, January 20, 2010

I'm not a dominatrix (Giveaway)

GIVEAWAY.  GIVEAWAY.  GIVEAWAY.  Read to the end.  GIVEAWAY.  GIVEAWAY.

But shock collars for humans?  Hmmm....

We've all seen the commercial where the mom shoves the granola bar in the kid's mouth as the child tells another lady her boobs are fake.  I think food is fuel and nothing else.  But electric shock. That's a whole other matter.  I wish I'd had one strapped on when...

I was interviewing a photographer for a marketing project I was managing.  After I reviewed his credentials and evaluated his chi I said.  "Wow, this really works out.  Kind of like mutual masturbation."  I still can't believe I said it.  I was trying to sling all sorts of sly business phrases like  "top-of-the-house perspective", and "get a temperature check from him on that", and "give me a data-dump".  I was 26.  It was a while ago.

I was nine and I told a friend of mine I couldn't come over to play because my Dad wasn't feeling well.  "But don't worry" I said, "He's not really sick, he just drank too much scotch last night."

I told my children about an uncle of mine who fell down the steps and broke his neck.  True, traumatic story.  My then 9, 7, and 4 year-old children listened with wide eyes.  What the heck?!  Geez.  I was only trying to zero in on the part where my  sister and I visited him in the hospital on Christmas with ornaments for his halo.  (All you neurosurgeons know what I'm talking about.) It got way out of hand and all three of them slept with me for two nights.  A shock would've been really good for all of us.  I might look good in red...

That's Maggie with her new necklace.  She'll be able to go out to the yard to relieve herself leash less now and I won't cuss every time she barks at the door.  

For all you social workers, no need to schedule a home visit.  We do have wholesome fun around here.  Check out Saturday morning right outside River City Gymnastics.  Jane tumbled herself silly and Kathleen studied the older girls' technique to bring to her own class.  I didn't embarrass or traumatize anyone.

  Honestly, could she be a dominatrix?

Who have you shocked?

Giveaway:  Since shock collars for humans are probably only used in criminal interrogations, I will send the best 'shock story' a box of Kashi Flax Seed and Honey flavored granola bars.  To help you keep your mouth shut.  Shock me with a 'Comment' or send via email to clairhnorman@aol.com.



Come on.  Give me love.  Send me a story.  

9 comments:

ShutUpandRun said...

Oh you know how I am. I say things for shock value many times a day b/c I love to see people squirm and get all crazy about being out of their comfort zone. Yesterday's statement of shock value was when I asked my 12 year old son as he got out of the shower naked if he had any hair yet. I feel it's my right to know this, being his mom and all. I don't think he was as shocked as my husband was - Ken thinks this is a private matter (get it? "private") that a mom should not be asking about. Tough shit. And BTW, he said he does have some hair. In case you needed to know. Now where the hell is my flax seed and honey flavored granola bars? I hear they help your hair grow.

Running and living said...

I gave my husband as a present, wrapped and everything, our son's first poop. It had a note on it saying, "for dad, with love, more to come!"

Kerrie T. said...

I was in middle school. I went along with a friend to her week-long Christian summer camp. On the last day, we had to perform a skit or a song or something really humiliating like that in front of the whole camp. Only, I didn't get humiliated. I like the spotlight.

I decided to sing a song called "Let's Get Biblical" to the tune of "Let's Get Physical," which I think is Olivia Newton John but for some reason I picture Jane Fonda (was she in the video or something?). Anyway, obviously, the song was not my idea. I didn't even know who ONJ was till I saw "Grease" ... in college! Aaaaanyway, I messed up and sang the original words as I demonstrated a workout (because to a middle-schooler when something's physical, it has to do with gym clothes and dodge ball): "let's get physical, physical!"

I didn't even notice I was doing it till the camp counselors practically fainted. They dropped to their knees and put their hands together in prayer probably asking for the Lord to save this sinning child.

Whatever. I think they overreacted.

Kerrie T. said...

PS: Love your blog!

onebadrunner said...

On New Year's Eve I (maybe drunkly) stated that 40 year olds have better sex. Then proceeded to yell to my friend's husband (who was the only other 40 year old in the room) "Greg! You with me!?!"
Smooth.

ShutUpandRun said...

Oh, some competition!

Marlene said...

Just found my way over here courtesy of Shut Up & Run. Please count me in for the giveaway, if Canadians are invited. :)

SteveQ said...

Oh, you're not ready for my shock stories!

Xenia said...

My uncle thought he was being funny when we presented my sweet midwestern Betty Crocker-like grandmother (she was in her 70s at the time) with a vibrator for her birthday. The whole family had a good laugh until my grandmother turned to my uncle and in all seriousness said, 'Thanks, but I already have one.'

There are things you should never hear from your elderly relatives. This is one of them.