Thursday, April 15, 2010

Dear Diary

Caution:  Introspection coming
This post will have no curse words references to body parts or naughty overtones.
Dear Diary,
Have you ever had one of those dreams where you are in a crowd in the middle of the day and suddenly realize you are in your pajams?  I love my pj's and I am proud of them - it's my favorite outfit, but I am not used to leaving my crib in them.  Today this little reverie became a reality.  I was first mortified to be out and about in practically my skivves.  Then I was elated, motivated and salvated.
Here's how it went down, dearest treasure chest of my secrets, I entered this contest to win running gear.  Feeling especially sassy I dressed in camo and submitted my photo along with a little ditty referring to a forgettable movie.  It contained four-letter words and references to the 'wild thing' in the woods.  I giggled everytime I read my own works thinking I'd be the hit of the party.  Kind of like when I assumed I'd be elected sophomore class president.  It's not the losing.  It's the exposure in the process that threw me off and perhaps a few others.  It was a little bold for me.  The references and writing a little edgy.  The tone would not have elected me May Queen but it was neither profane or profound.  When I learned it was off-putting to someone close to me I paniced and withdrew and I realized that no matter now old I get (almost 42) I will always be the little girl who is feels safest when everyone around me thinks I am wonderful, talented, kind, compassionate and way, way fun to be around (and maybe a little pretty too).  Never rude or undignified.  With this I began to ponder: Who am I living for?  Who am I writing for?  What matters most is my opinion of me.  All the real writers I have studied have a real Aha! moment when they submit to the craft and not to it's reaction.
So, I close today - Dear Diary - with the notion of submitting to what is real and inside you rather than how others see it.  It's hard and very brave put yourself out there for other's to see and judge but everyday as long as I breathe I will do it in some capacity.  It keeps me raw and real and honest.  No matter what happens I'm coming back.  A better, sharper, more solid me.  And because I am wired as such, I will always care what you think.  But to borrow a sanskrit term, santosha or contentment and peace will rest inside me instead of second guesses.  Even if you don't like me, it's all good.  Gotta get my pj's on.  
My mileage is up to 25 this week.  I've rocked my Bikram class twice and it's not over yet.   Is santosha in your life?


ShutUpandRun said...

I like that you said, "I will always care what you think" b/c we all do and that is very honest. I also love how you are trying to be more authentically yourself, b/c we love that about you and you will NEVER find your true santosha unless you are completley true to yourself. There is no other way.

Char said...

I've always held fast to the notion that if I don't like myself how can I expect anyone else to. I don't like myself if I'm being a flase version of me so people tend to get who I truly am.

Anne said...

This was a great post! I wholly agree with the importance of owning who we truly are and finding santosha within ourselves. Of course we care what others think...but, not to the detriment of our own authenticity. You are a wonderful woman...keep on being you!

Alee said...

This is so true! I'm new to your blog and love it already! Keep up the awesome work!